Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
