Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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