Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
