toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
