It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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