The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
