My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You are a genius and a whore.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
