he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
