In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
