What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
