Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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