I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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