You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
