my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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