His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
i think we sleep fucked last night...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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