Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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