my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
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I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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