When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
