The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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