I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize