I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
