Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
