Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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