I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
