they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
