I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
