my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Go christen that room with your naked body.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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