Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
