You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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