I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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