I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Randomize
