Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
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