Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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