I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
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I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
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he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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