I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
