Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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