yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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