I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
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