if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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