weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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