I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
