turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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