When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
