either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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