I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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