i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
