New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
