the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
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