Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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