Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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