Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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