you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
