Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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