You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
