I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
