Banned from zoo.
Again?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
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