i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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