A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
