I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
