I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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