I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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