Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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