she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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