gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
